


Not Yet

by mythicalbi



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Post Episode: s01e03 Bella Bella Bella
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8500726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicalbi/pseuds/mythicalbi
Summary: After the disastrous clubbing, Lukas and Philip head to a motel.Set after episode 3 and blends into episode 4 with alternations because Rose didn't deserve that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's a mix of what happened in nyc and then the events after and how it could have changed ep4. i started writing it before last night's episode came out and finished it today so if you get a different feeling halfway through you know why

The room was filled with shallow breathing and the smell of sex. Philip lay down on the tangled mess of cheap sheets, his sweat cooling rapidly on his chest. Lukas’ shoulder was touching his; they both stared at the ceiling pretending to admire the cracks as they searched for something to say.

Philip wanted to reach out, to lace their fingers together and pull Lukas closer, to smile at him while they gazed into each other’s eyes. He wanted to roll over and cover Lukas with his body, sharing body heat and kisses as they came down from the high and drifted into sleep. He wanted Lukas to reach out, to slide closer to him, to put his hand in Philip’s hair and tug him closer for a kiss and meet his mouth in the middle. He wanted Lukas to smile into the kiss and whisper promises of a happier future for the two of them against his lips.

Neither of them moved for long moments. Their breathing went back to normal and the heat from before disappeared, leaving a bitter cold in its wake. Lukas was the first to break the silence; he cleared his throat and spoke with poorly suppressed anxiety in his voice.

“You’re not gonna say anything to anyone, right?” It was probably meant to sound like a threat, Phillip thought, but the trembling in Lukas’ voice gave him away.

“There’s nothing to say.” Philip answered, thinking back to Lukas standing on the rooftop with him earlier today. He consciously parroted the words back, a small part of him hoping it would hurt Lukas the way it hurt Philip. Judging by the relieved sigh coming from Lukas it did the opposite.

Philip wondered if Lukas was remembering that moment too. He wanted to ask, to say something that would decrease the tension swimming between them but he came up with nothing. His mouth opened and closed wordlessly and unnoticed.

Lukas sat up and pulled his shirt on. Philip watched him search for his jeans amid their scattered clothes on the floor, once he located them (half hanging from the old bedside table) he swiftly pulled them on. His eyes searched the room once more but stopped when they reached Philip who was still lying in bed, naked on top of the sheets, an unmoving evidence of what they did.

“Put your clothes on,” he said. Philip refused, or wanted to. He wanted to demand Lukas to come back to bed and lie with him and tell him how much this meant to him so Philip could admit the same.

Instead, Philip sat up, wiped himself clean with the sheet he was sitting on, and pulled on his underwear. Lukas tossed him his shirt and he put it on as well. Philip found his skinny jeans under the bed, he pulled them out and shook them a few times, trying to dust out the dirt that now clang to them. “

Should we…” Lukas started but trailed off, sounding uncertain.

Philip looked up to see him staring at him. He raised an eyebrow in a silent question.

“Should we go?”

Philip shrugged.

“We paid for the whole night but…”

“Right. Yeah.” Lukas walked back to the bed and sat down next to him. He was slouching, his hands clasped tightly together between his legs. Philip reached out, his hand touched Lukas’ cheek and he jumped. Philip retracted his hand ignoring the painful clutches around his heart.

Lukas grabbed his hand. “Sorry. You… I, uh. Sorry.”

Philip nodded and Lukas let go of his hand. He didn’t try to touch him again, even though he knew Lukas was afraid, the rejections and the hot and cold treatment he was getting from him was staring to weight on him.

This time it was Lukas who brushed his fingertips along Philip’s cheek. He turned with the fingers guiding him and came face to face with Lukas, mere inches away. It shouldn’t thrill him the way it did. They already kissed many times and they just did much more than kissing but having Lukas this close and having his heated gaze focused solely on his lips send excited shivers down Philip’s spine.

Lukas leaned in and pressed his mouth softly against his. Philip breathed out deeply through his nose and his hands came to grip Lukas’ shirt, pulling him even closer. As they kissed, slowly and delicately, Philip couldn’t help but remember their hurried, rough, and desperate kissing from before.

Their lips had slotted together as soon as the door had been shut. Lukas made sure to lock it before practically pushing Philip onto the small, cheap bed, climbing on top of him and forcing his mouth open with his tongue. Philip had moaned under him, he rocked his hips and clawed at Lukas’ back, letting himself drown in all the feelings of the moment.

Soon they were naked and moving together at a fast pace. Their faces close together, exchanging kisses every now and then but Lukas kept pulling away and staring down at Philip in something like awe.

Philip didn’t know which Lukas he liked better. The confident, needy one who kissed him with his entire body and moaned quietly at every thrust, who was so long with his desire for Philip that nothing else seemed to matter; or the quiet and shy one, the one who kissed him like he wasn’t sure if he could, who touched Philip as gently as he would a butterfly and treated him as something precious. Both were a part of Lukas. Both made Philip feel something big and warm in his chest, a feeling he didn’t want to name, at least not yet.

They kissed until it was all they knew of each other. They kissed until Philip could pretend they were happy and safe; until he forgot why they weren’t.

***

The next day at school was uncomfortable to say the least. Lukas wouldn’t look at him. Philip knew they weren’t meant to be friends, not in public, but it still stung to be treated like he didn’t matter, didn’t even exist.

When they were called into the principal’s office Philip could feel the tension rolling off of Lukas in heavy waves. His head was bowed and he never looked at him which Philip could understand. But he didn’t understand why Lukas had to push him away and storm off when they left, as if this was all Philip’s fault.

They didn’t speak for the rest of the day. Philip pretended he was okay with that.

When the next morning came and Lukas texted him about meeting on the roof Philip’s heart started to race. There was anticipation and hope building in his chest, as well as some anxiety that was always there when it came to Lukas.

It was a warm morning but the air was chilly, even more so on the roof. Lukas stood at the back and Philip made his way to him slowly, dragging his eyes over his still figure. He wasn’t in a hurry, Helen dropped him off and going by car is a lot quicker than a bike or the school bus, so he had plenty of time. Time to study Lukas’ back and the tense tout of his entire body while his hair flowed gently with the wind. It was a pretty picture, Philip thought to himself. He wanted to take a picture but decided against it, in case this wouldn’t be a pleasant meeting.

Lukas took out his phone, Philip ended his musings and sped up.

“Hey. I got your text, what’s up?”

“Why is Helen driving you to school all of a sudden?” Lukas demanded without even a simple, ‘hello’.

Philip sighed quietly and clenched his jaw, “I don’t know. Maybe ‘cause I finally told her stuff?”

Lukas’ eye narrowed. Gone was the soft look from the other night, replaced by an anxiety stricken expression. “You told her what we saw?” His voice was on borderline hysterics.

“No, I told her that I’m gay.” Philip said quickly.

Lukas breathed a sigh of relief. He looked away, processing the information. Philip saw the exact moment his brain came across an unsolvable puzzle; his brows furrowed and he turned back to him.

“Why?”

Philip wanted to laugh.

In the next second a thousand replies swam in his head, all too bitter or emotional to say.

_Because I wanted to._

_Because I had to._

_Because I don’t want to lie about who I am and you shouldn’t either. And they accepted me, they’d accept you too, they’d accept us if we told them._

_Because I’m gay. It’s who I am, why should it be a secret? We shouldn’t hide who we are, Lukas. We shouldn’t but you keep insisting on it and I play along because I care too much._

_Because you’re never going to come out._

_Because I want out of this web of lies and secrets but I can’t move. You’re keeping me there and I’m letting you and I don't know why and it terrifies me._

“Why not?” He said instead.

Philip hoped his voice conveyed the message but Lukas was too stubborn to hear it. Instead, he let panic take over again.

“Shit, now they think I’m gay too?!”

Philip realised, bitterly, how little Lukas must care to completely ignore what he just told him, what he almost just told him, to focus on himself. He couldn’t help the humourless smile which twisted at his lips.

“No. Now they think you’re a homophobic bully. Which you are.”

But not the other night, Philip thought.

Lukas looked broken. He looked helplessly at Philip and Philip had to look away so he wouldn’t do something stupid like kiss him better.

“What are we doing up here?” He asked, and then more softly added, “What’s going on?”

“People are talking about us ditching together.”

“Okay, then don’t hang out with me.” Philip’s response was automatic, his frustration taking over.

"Oh, I’m not going to. But that’s not gonna fix it. They’re all saying stuff, I need it to stop!”

“Okay.” Philip didn’t try to keep the anger out of his voice but it came out as the cold, icy anger that cut instead of burned. “Okay. So, do you want me to tell everyone that you didn’t kiss me in the cabin? Or at the club?” He watched with a sickening satisfaction as Lukas shut his mouth and swallowed. “That none of it happened, that none of it’s real? That you didn’t push me down on the bed befo-”

“You’re an asshole.” Lukas cut him off.

Philip grinned. “Yeah. I’m the asshole.”

“Yeah you are.” Something in Lukas’ voice change. He stared at Philip not with anger but something closer to fear and melancholy.

“Mhm…” Philip looked away and bit down his tongue.

“I’m gonna have sex with Rose.”

Philip didn’t know what heartbreaks felt like. He imagined it to be sadness with no actual physical symptoms. He didn’t imagine the way his heart would literally feel as if it was breaking into tiny pieces. The way his chest contracted and no air entered his lungs. The sting in his eyes, the numbness spreading over his body, his palms shaking.

The whole world seemed to stop with him causing his head to spin.

Philip choked silently. He opened his mouth but couldn’t make a sound. He tried to swallow but his throat went dry. Lukas was waiting for some kind of an answer so Philip gathered all of his strength to keep his eyes dry and forced the words out.

“Did you seriously drag me all the way up here just to tell me that.”

“No. I…” Luks trailed off but Philip could see he was trying to find the right words to say something more. He decided not to let him.

“Did it mean nothing to you?” The words left a bitter taste in his mouth but Philip was beyond caring at this point.

“What-”

A bitter laugh escaped Philip and he ignored the blurring image in front of him. “Do I mean _nothing_ to you?”

“No! No, of course not. Philip-”

“No. You know what? I’m done.” He turned around and walked off forcing his hand into his pockets, simply to hide how badly they shook from Lukas.

“Philip, wait.” He heard steps following his but he didn’t slow down.

“Stop!” Lukas grabbed his arm and turned him around. They were face to face, their chests almost touching and Philip was torn between pushing him away and pulling him closer. He shrugged off Lukas’ hand, glaring at him with poorly concealed anger.

“What.”

“Look, I’m sorry, it’s just… I need your help with something.”

“Are you kidding me?” Philip laughed, the sound painful even to his ears. “Why would I help you with anything?”

“I think I found a way for us to hang out. Without anyone getting suspicious.” Lukas looked desperate, his eyes were wide and pleading and his hands kept reaching out, stopping just before touching Philip.

Philip just shook his head and looked away. He didn’t want to deal with this now, or any time really. He knew where Lukas was coming from, of course he did, but it was getting exhausting. All the lying, the sneaking around, the heavy secret of triple homicide weighting them down as well. Philip couldn’t deal with it all anymore.

He breathed in deeply, counted to five, and let the air out slowly. Lukas was looking down at him with a worried expression, his brows drawn and lips pressed together.

He huffed, “You know what, never mind. You’d never agree to it anyway. And it’s stupid.”

“I don’t doubt that.” His voice cracked in the middle but he refused to break down completely.

Lukas pushed him gently, something closer to a caress than an actual push.

“Shut up,” he mumbled.

Philip sniffed. Lukas wasn’t looking at him, just staring at the ground and worrying his lower lip. Philip wiped his face while he wasn’t paying him any attention.

The wind picked up and Philip shivered. He run his hands up and down his arms and shuffled awkwardly, not sure if their conversation was over.

Lukas looked up and his eyes softened, the harsh lines disappeared from his forehead. He stepped closer and before Philip could react, Lukas wrapped his arms around him. Their bodies were pressed flush together and Philip was overcome with a warmth he wasn’t sure had anything to do with sharing body heat. He reached out and found his way to Lukas’ waist; his hands rested there lightly, unsure.

Lukas sighed and Philip felt his warmth breath tickling his neck. Around them, the sounds of people talking over each other and the wind moving the leaves in a tinkling rustle quieted down. Philip could only hear their breaths and heartbeats, beating together in a rhythm unknown to them.

“It did mean something to me.” Lukas whispered into his neck.

Philip shivered, his body switching between tensing and relaxing.

“You mean… something. To me.”

Philip closed his eyes and kept a tight hold on Lukas as well as the words spoken to him.

“Don’t sleep with Rose,” he begged.

He felt Lukas tense; felt him digging his nails into Philip’s back.

“Okay.” He croaked out. Philip ran his hand up his back, he stopped when he reached Lukas’ neck and there he stroked the short hairs. He marvelled at the softness and at the quick rate of Lukas’ pulse. He ran his hand back down his back and then up again, repeating the process until he felt Lukas relaxing in his arms.

“You know you need to end it with her at some point, right?” Lukas tensed again but only for a moment. He buried his face in Philip’s neck and pressed gentle butterfly kisses on the sensitive skin.

The bell was going to ring soon. They’ve been at the roof for a while now and Philip knew they didn’t have much time left. He wanted to savour every moment he shared with Lukas, especially those quiet ones where neither one of them was trying to push the other away.

“I know, but I can’t.”

Philip expected that but it still hurt.

“Not yet.” Lukas added. He spoke it softly, uncertainly, as if it hadn’t just destroyed Philip and put him back together again. As if those words meant nothing when in fact they meant everything.

_Not yet._

That meant someday.

It meant Philip wasn’t a toy to mass with in order to pass the time, he wasn’t a mistake Lukas would learn to regret. He was something to him, something worth a ‘someday’. Something that’s not yet but that’s okay because right now Philip was willing to give Lukas all the time in the world.

He pulled back and Lukas understood him without words. They looked at each other, each more naked and vulnerable than they have ever been with each other.

They kissed, meeting each other halfway in a simple press of the lips that erupted a volcano in Philip’s chest. Lukas’ mouth moved in the soft words he spoken. Not yet. Not yet. Philip was falling, hard and fast but he no longer minded. He knew Lukas would join him one day. Not yet. But someday.

The bell rang and they parted. Their goodbye was hurried and bittersweet; Lukas insisted on going first and instructed Philip to wait a few moments before he followed. Philip didn’t mind being late to class, it was boring anyway.

He passed Rose in the corridor and she didn’t spare him a second glance. Philip knew it would hurt her one day but not yet. For now, they were hidden behind her without her knowledge. For now, it hurt Philip to look at her and see her as nothing more than Lukas’ girlfriend. It hurt but knowing it wasn’t forever made it better somehow.

Philip wondered it that made him a bad person, for wishing his hurt on someone else. He supposed it did but he couldn’t find it in him to care. Not yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!  
> If you did please let me know, any feedback is always welcome! c:
> 
> Join me on tumblr at mythicalbi.tumblr.com to scream about eyewitness


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